Here’s a quick response to a stupid thing on the internet, because reasons I guess. If you have not already seen this train wreck of a website, that’s what it’s about (Here’s the original URL but he’s taken it down to put up a declaration of victory because apparently the internet laughing at you is a win? the Wayback Machine doesn’t forget). We learned of its existence from Captain Awkward on Twitter and while her response really does adequately describe the situation, this thing is too much fun to mock to be worth ignoring. (PZ Myers has a take too.)
The timing was good, as I’ve been having a lot of job-related anxiety and distress this week, so having something so perfectly stupid to snark about was quite welcome. (Long story short, a spontaneous opportunity presented itself which I found really exciting – that particular kind of excitement being a very rare thing for me – had some interviews which seem to have gone well, but the result of those interviews is that I seem to have convinced the firm in question that they need to take the project in a different direction and the role they were considering me for no longer exists. I may have talked myself out of the job.)
I’ve transcribed (and edited slightly for readability) some fun excerpts from our initial conversation after discovering this… person’s… website. Among other things, I cut out the bits where we compared him to Donald Trump and Christian Grey, because both of those should really go without saying. Enjoy.
Mitchell: You need to read this, it’s a prime candidate for The Bad Advisor if there ever was one. It is one of the most painful things I have read in a long time.
Loten: The best part is how he’s sneering in every photo. I don’t know, there are glimpses of self-awareness. He does state there is a near 100% chance women should not date him. 😛 He just got the reasons wrong.
Mitchell: Yes. And probably the worst thing is that he’s going to get zero replies to his, erm, beautiful essay and assume he’s right about everything. It’s just… this guy is self-aware enough to realise he’s repulsive to most women, but not self-aware enough to realise that an enormous narcissistic essay about what a douche he is is not a good way to meet people.
Loten: Yeah. He figured out the problem but not the cause. Also why does a guy who makes vitamin supplements have to jet all over the world and be in a billion meetings a day anyway?
Mitchell: Lol. Also a good question. I was about to say, there are serious questions about the veracity of the vast majority of what he says, I’d almost wonder if it were some kind of parody except the tone is so goddamn fucking sincere.
Loten: I liked his timeline. “Made so much money it literally scared me” is followed by spending years just barely above the poverty line, and then he went bankrupt after that.
Mitchell: LOL good point. I think I missed that. Then again, that is the most common trajectory for lottery winners and the like… But I’m giving way too much credit here. I highly doubt a smug douchebag like this has ever been poor.
Loten: He seems to think he has. But then he seems to think a lot of things. I thought hipsters usually liked being poor and shopping in Goodwill and stuff.
Mitchell: There are hipsters and then there are Silicon Valley Startup Bros, the aesthetic can be similar but the mindset is very different.
Loten: I also find it unlikely that he’s managed to launch two allegedly successful businesses while completely avoiding social media.
Mitchell: Also a good point. Seriously, though, this website is amazing. It is the best worst thing I have read in a while.
[I’ll cut out a bit here, come back when I started wondering why he didn’t buy a realdoll]
Mitchell: These people are rich enough to pay for realdolls but somehow that never seems to occur to them. Although honestly I suspect the answer there may be that you can’t abuse a doll.
Loten: You can’t show off realdolls the way you can trophy wives. They’re called trophies for a reason.
Mitchell: Also that. Except, no, everyone knows what you do with a trophy is throw it in a box to be buried in some dusty closet… Maybe this is not a good idea to mention around them.
Mitchell: I cannot for the life of me figure out why this guy, if he actually is as he describes himself, would want a companion. And if he’s trying to run a scam, I think Nigerian princes offering FBI credit cards would be more convincing.
Loten: It’s one of the checkboxes on his list to prove he’s a cool guy. money, expensive zip code, fancy business title, hot girlfriend. Though that view of Denver doesn’t look very appealing to me.
Mitchell: It is honestly kind of amazing how many words he wasted trying (and failing, naturally) to find a less repulsive way to say “no fatties”.
Loten: So much emphasis on “healthy” when he means “skinny except your tits”.
Mitchell: If the discourse continues in this manner, one of these days I expect the phrase “healthy woman” will be illustrated in dictionaries with a straw attached to water balloons.
Loten: Depends on the dictionary. I can’t see Merriam-Webster standing for that kind of nonsense.
Mitchell: True. I think that sounded cleverer in my head. [pause] Zombie Ayn Rand would probably reply to this guy and he’d turn her down for smoking. I’m not sure the rotting flesh would do it, that does tend to make one weigh less.
Loten: Only after spending several hours mansplaining why his economic theories are better
Mitchell: Or why he has the true interpretation of her books that even she overlooked 🙂
Loten: I also like that he had to specify twice that he doesn’t want women who will get violent and hit him with things. There’s that brief glimmer of self-awareness again.
Mitchell: I’m honestly not sure he isn’t secretly fantasising about it. Who goes trawling stock photo sites for pictures of rolling pin violence?
Loten: As if a guy like this would ever be a sub.
Mitchell: Interesting question, actually. I remember some discussions in comments on FSOG et al that some of those corporate types who have to manage everything find relief in it and are the ones most often to hire professional dominatrices. But this guy doesn’t fit that profile, it’s the self awareness thing again 😛
Loten: Also, either he had to pay for those photos or he’s committing theft. there’s no watermark/copyright.
Mitchell: LOL. I’m actually not sure how those stock photo websites work, you’re probably right 😛
Loten: Imagine being the poor guy who had to code this for him. He dropped out of school to be an entrepreneur, there’s no way he did it himself 😛 ‘holy shit guys you’ll never believe what my latest customer wants me to do for his site’
Mitchell: Also an interesting question 😛 It looks like the kind of site someone would mock up who doesn’t know shit about web design… honestly, it reminds me of the kind of nonsense you’d find on Neopets or something.
Truthfully, I’m not sure this was really worth doing a post about, but it made us laugh and maybe it’ll amuse some of you too.