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Future Pottermore posts

27 Sep

Okay, so today I took another look at the new and improved Pottermore site.

I can’t do this any more.

It’s almost impossible to even find new content now unless you happen to search for that specific thing, and it’s all so overwhelmingly shite that… well, take a look at this.

https://www.pottermore.com/features

  • Why you should fall in love with a Hufflepuff” – nobody will care about you and you’ll get some peace
  • 5 friendship lessons we learned from Dobby” – it’s fine to maim your friends for their own good
  • Rubeus Hagrid’s wit and wisdom” – hahahahahahaha
  • The 5 Death Eaters you’ll never forget” – I barely remember that many anyway
  • Dumbledore’s wisest words” – “fuck you, Slytherin, and fuck everyone who isn’t me, including my worshippers, but mostly just Slytherin”
  • 8 adorable Harry and Ginny moments” – what.
  • The 10 scariest Harry Potter villains” – were there even that many?
  • Romance in the classrooms of Hogwarts” – unless it’s fanfic I don’t want to hear it
  • Neville Longbottom: a true Gryffindor” – you take that back, Neville’s far cooler than that
  • 5 things we learned from wise Mr Ollivander” – everything you do is purely a byproduct of this random stick
  • 7 reasons to love Luna Lovegood” – the narrative shits on her constantly, repeat six more times

As you can see, the site has basically turned into Buzzfeed, only worse. And as such I want no part of it. I’ll check in from time to time and see if they’re specifically naming available new content, and if other places such as deathtocapslock pick up on anything good – or if you guys contact me and let me know there’s something sporkworthy and not just vomitworthy – then I’ll cover it. But this blog will no longer cover every single piece of new content, purely because it’s not possible to keep track of updates any more, and also because my brain probably can’t cope with it.

Of course, the site’s free for everyone now with no registration required, so if you all feel like sobbing over the tattered shreds of a once-beloved fandom, feel free. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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16 Comments

Posted by on September 27, 2015 in loten

 

Tags: , , , ,

16 responses to “Future Pottermore posts

  1. Sm

    September 27, 2015 at 9:39 pm

    The individual character profiles appear to be just some quotes, artwork and links to semi-relevant articles, and a single line of description. For Hermione, that line is ‘From bookish Muggle-born to one of Gryffindor’s bravest.’

    This makes me so much more angry than it should do. Like, the fact that Hermione is Muggle-born doesn’t make her less brave or less Gryffindor. And she doesn’t *stop* being a bookish Muggle-born. The fact that she’s a bookish Muggle-born is ultimately really important in her saving the day, and the drive behind her bravery. The implication that her heritage and her interests are somehow *lesser*, that her character arc is going *away* from those things and coming to embrace pure-blood Gryffindor jock values is … argh!

     
    • Loten

      September 28, 2015 at 6:59 am

      …and now I’m even happier that I didn’t bother reading most of it.

       
  2. janach

    September 27, 2015 at 11:19 pm

    I checked out the link given above, and what struck me is that everything is about the films, not the books. Pottermore is therefore entirely irrelevant to those of us who focus on book-canon. That’s one more reason to ignore it, besides its essential stupidity.

     
    • mcbender

      September 29, 2015 at 1:34 pm

      I’ve noticed this too – the entire thing really does seem like just an extended way of saying “hey, did you forget we made a bunch of films? Because we did. That should matter to you. Give us more money.” I can’t think of any other purpose it could possibly serve, really, since the few bits I looked at were almost completely content-free and looked like they were just trying to find excuses to throw screen captures of the film at people.

       
  3. P.S. Paddfoot (@PSPaddfoot)

    October 2, 2015 at 1:37 am

    I had no idea that Pottermore was changing. I found out via tumblr. When I checked it out, I have to admit, I was annoyed at the lack of interaction. I liked my wand, and I liked being sorted into Hufflepuff.

    The patronus thing sounds vaguely interesting. But I am sure if I googled, I could find a test that could tell me what it is. Why should I put Pottermores above that random test? Because JK Rowling’s website issued it? Please, if the Potter family gibberish is anything to go on, I don’t see what makes it superior…

    Thank you to every Harry Potter fanfiction writer out there. I can honestly say I am a bigger fan of the fanfiction, than the books.

     
  4. Kazavan

    October 3, 2015 at 5:08 pm

    Slightly tangential but have you seen this bbc article http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/34433220/jk-rowling-dismisses-harry-potter-fan-theories-about-time-travel-and-werewolves
    “JK-Rowling dismissed the Idea that ron weasley is a time travelling dumbledore” Like I’m fairly into fanfic and have never ever heard that. And she says Snape smells like disappointment and old shoes. Not potions, no that would make sense. How does one even smell like disappointment

     
    • liminal fruitbat

      October 3, 2015 at 5:50 pm

      It is an actual theory, treated with all the respect it deserves here http://the-toast.net/2014/01/02/let-the-man-speak/

      Look, it makes more sense than Deathly Hallows, at least.

       
      • janach

        October 4, 2015 at 3:07 am

        It not only makes more sense than Deathly Hallows, it’s a LOT more interesting.

         
      • All-I-need

        October 5, 2015 at 12:36 pm

        That… actually doesn’t seem as stupid as it sounds at first. Wow. I like this theory. Also, it would directy cancel out the possibility of Ron/Hermione – always a plus.

         
      • mcbender

        October 5, 2015 at 12:53 pm

        Sadly, I seem to recall some variations that preserved the Ron/Hermione ship (because of course that was so worth preserving) by speculating that Minerva was Hermione…

         
    • Loten

      October 4, 2015 at 7:27 am

      I don’t even know what to say. What is wrong with this woman. She must really resent her fans having made her money for her, that’s all I can say… I’ve never encountered an author who disliked their fanbase as much as she does.

       
    • All-I-need

      October 5, 2015 at 12:40 pm

      Oh no, he smells like bitterness. Well, that is possible, in one sense anyway. But we all know she does mean the emotional “bitter” so it doesn’t count.
      I see she likes the fantheory that Dumbledore is Death from the Tale of the Three Brothers. That IS a good theory, of course she’d like it if it means she can take credit for a happy accident in her writing. I’m surprised she didn’t jump on the Ron is Dumbledore bandwagon to make herself look more clever.

       
      • janach

        October 6, 2015 at 2:02 am

        I would have no problem with Snape “smelling of bitterness” if I thought JKR was expressing empathy for the cruel life of undeserved loneliness that taught Snape the hard lessons of duty and remorse without which Voldemort could not have been defeated. Instead I fear she’s still stuck on the idea that he just couldn’t get over his silly schoolboy grudges.

         
  5. Loten

    October 6, 2015 at 7:29 am

    @Janach – makes you wonder who she went to school with who could never get over their grudge against her, doesn’t it… and why they might feel that way… I wouldn’t be surprised to find out half of her writing is her attempt to get over guilt at something she did at school and to tell herself that she’s not really a bully, it was the victim’s fault for taking it too seriously.

     
  6. P.S. Paddfoot (@PSPaddfoot)

    October 10, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    I never knew about the Ron is Dumbledore thing. Very interesting theory. It actually made me go “Well no wonder Dumbledore plays everyone like chess pieces.”

    As for Snape? It comes as no surprise to me that she sees nothing but a “horrible” man. Cannon wise, Snape had some of the most depth.

    I will probably never understand all the people who took Hagrid not being able to cast a patronus as him not having a happy enough memory. READ YOUR BOOKS! He was kicked out of school before he could even learn such a spell!

    Random Side Note: Sirius Black’s birthday is November 3rd, according to a tweet JK Rowling sent out. First thing besides the Hagrid bit that she has said recently, Harry Potter related that actually makes sense.

     
  7. whatifitwasdifferent

    February 21, 2017 at 5:44 pm

    There is a thing about Snape’s perspective of the books that is pretty funny, and kind of shows how he helped.

     

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