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Pottermore: Quidditch World Cup, part 3

01 Aug

LOTEN:

JK remembered she was doing some Quidditch shit on Pottermore, there are going to be daily updates for the next week. Calm down, I know you’re excited 😛 We have coverage of two more matches. Neither sound remotely like Ginny, or like a human at all frankly. JK gets a slap for “Seeker Snuka” and another for “Hector Bolobolo” in the first match (for all I know that’s a legitimate Fijian name but it certainly sounds like she’s taking the piss). In the second match one of the teams was disqualified because the Snitch flew up a Beater’s sleeve and that counted as him illegally catching it because this sport totally makes sense.


 

MITCHELL:

LOL. More Quidditch shit. YAY, just what I wanted! Snuka, seriously? As for Bolobolo, I looked it up and I think she’s full of shit – there is apparently a book called Bolo’bolo, and a coffeeshop by the same name somewhere, and then there’s this:

[Note from Loten; the link he sent me was to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary. It worked at the time but now insists I activate a free trial for something in order to view it, which no, sod off.]

So it seems like it’s an actual thing but I can find no connection whatsoever to Fiji. Half points, maybe? (Or is this another “‘Cho Chang’ two Korean last names is supposed to be Chinese” moment? :P) And that rule makes no fucking sense, lol, like everything else in Quidditch. Surely in a sensible game they’d just call a time-out, re-release the damn thing and restart the game (maybe with a small penalty in points or something?). Oh, wait, I forgot all that bullshit she established in DH with the “flesh memories” that means Snitches are fucking single-use because wizards are morons (despite it being an obvious retcon since we’d never heard anything about Snitches being replaced in the previous books, and were led to believe a standard set of Quidditch balls contained exactly one of them). Fuck Quidditch. And fuck me for even bothering to think about it this much, lol. What’s sad is that if you got rid of Snitches and Seekers it probably wouldn’t be too hard to turn Quidditch into a vaguely sensible game (and even keep a lot of the jokes at the expense of sports), the only thing you’d lose is the super-special position for Harry to get that requires no skills whatsoever and lets him instantly win the game (oh noes, what a bloody tragedy).


 

LOTEN:

I thought you’d be pleased 😛 Her names are getting worse and worse, aren’t they? Today’s gems include Kquewanda Bailey (supposedly Jamaican; Google pulls up 16 hits and four of those are Pottermore-related :P) and Darius Smackhammer, which sounds like a Discworld dwarf name. The actual content is the usual bullshit, and a note at the end that the rules state if a member of the audience hexes a player the other team automatically forfeit the match whether they knew anything about it or not. So basically if you hex a member of the team you actually support, they win. How the fuck does that work? (And why doesn’t it happen in every match?)


 

MITCHELL:

Oh my god what are those. Kquewanda might be worse than Renesmee, for fuck’s sake! And LOL at the Discworld dwarfs (and lots of other Fantasyland dwarfs too, for that matter); trying to imagine them playing Quidditch is making my head hurt 😛 As for that rule… wow, Rowling knows nothing about game design, does she? I can sort of see what she was trying to do (don’t interfere with the other team or it hurts yours!) except the loophole is so bloody obvious that Quidditch would actually become a game of quickdraw for the fans. Which would probably be a better game than Quidditch, admittedly, plus you have thousands of spectators attempting to hex the idiots who decided to play Quidditch professionally, which would be significantly more fun to watch than Quidditch 😛


 

LOTEN:

Yeah, I’m pretty sure no language anywhere has Kq as a letter combination. One of the Discworld dwarfs does end up on a broomstick at one point actually 😛 It’s kind of a long story and they’re definitely not playing Quidditch, but even so, lol. Today’s stupid name is Willi Wenzel; nothing else to comment on since apparently the current match has been going on for twelve hours and they’ve stopped for a nap…


 

MITCHELL:

I can imagine constructions where kq would occur in the middle of a compound word, though I can’t think of any actual examples (something like ‘kickquick’, if that were a word). But it wouldn’t be a unique sound, lol, they wouldn’t be part of the same syllable or anything. Um. Anyway, Willi Wenzel is pretty bad but not nearly as bad as some of the others 😛 And for some reason I thought they weren’t allowed to interrupt matches for things like naps and eating etc, it had to be played continuously until the Snitch was caught… maybe that was in the quidditch spinoff book? I don’t remember exactly, but I think she’s just contradicted her canon again.


 

LOTEN:

Yeah, I thought the same as you about the matches not allowed to pause, I think she did contradict her canon again. Also even though they did stop for sleep they’re all getting stupidly tired for some reason, the match is still going and one player literally fell asleep on his broom (without falling off, apparently, Quidditch players must have leg muscles related to bird’s foot muscles that automatically contract when they sleep) and one of the Seekers had the Snitch hovering in front of his eyebrow for five minutes without noticing it. Now, I can buy that Seekers are all fucking oblivious, but if you have a gold glittery shiny thing flapping its wings that close to your eye you will fucking see it. How are they all this tired after two days of play with a sleep in between? The broom does most of the work anyway. No stupid names this time, at least.


MITCHELL:

Good, it’s not just me 🙂 What is the point of releasing extra material if it contradicts all the stuff that came before it? Learn to fucking write, JKR! Hm, them getting stupidly tired doesn’t make a whole lot of sense either (maybe it’s the monotony of it all getting to them?). None of that makes any sense. Speaking of which, what format is all of this information being presented in? You make it sound like they’re trying to present it in real-time or something as if these matches are actually happening, which could be vaguely clever except it sounds like it’s just bloody stupid 😛


 

LOTEN:

Third update about the same damned match, and it’s finished. And both teams are receiving medical treatment for some reason? They played for three days which included two stops for them to sleep, I don’t see what the problem is. JK obviously knows sleep deprivation = bad (which never stopped her giving her teachers schedules that would kill them in weeks) but never bothered to look up how long that takes. The format is articles in the Daily Prophet sports column. Except there isn’t an actual Daily Prophet on the site, so it’s just random newspaper clippings. Allegedly written by Ginny, except not. (Also why is Ginny a sports correspondent, canon has her as an actual player and she does have three children and a husband who all require extensive babysitting whenever they’re around. Why wouldn’t it be Lee Jordan, the kid who spends most of canon commentating on Quidditch matches?) Today’s name fail is Bruno Bruunhart.


 

MITCHELL:

That’s ridiculous, lol. And makes no sense. Admittedly I can imagine people getting things like eyestrain or the like, or maybe damage from flying objects (like enchanted homing cannonballs, or… I don’t know, stray birds or something) but this doesn’t sound particularly sensible. LOL yes, good point about the sleep deprivation thing 😛 The format also doesn’t make much sense – in particular, considering how much Rowling hated on the Daily Prophet it seems weird she’d be using it now 😛 (except there is literally no other wizarding news source so I suppose she’s left with no choice). Good point about Ginny – I can’t remember what she’s said about her in canon; I do know she was supposed to have played professionally for a while, but there may have been something about her retiring early also (I seriously don’t remember and may be getting some fics mixed up in here too). Regardless, you’re right it’d make more sense for someone like Lee Jordan to be doing it (speaking of which, why the fuck do they have a student commentating the matches in the first place?! I’m sure we’ve talked about that before). Bruno Bruunhart, seriously? *facepalm*


 

LOTEN:

Today’s Quidditch fail contains no specific fail, it’s just dull, lol. No name fails, no content beyond “hey remember Krum and how amazing he was? Here he is again, fucking worship him because I’m suddenly obsessed with him despite not bothering to write him into the main plot of the canon series.”


 

MITCHELL:

LOL, I’d been wondering whether Krum was going to return and whether she’d start pretending he was important again…


 

LOTEN:

No real Pottermore fail today either, I’m undecided about giving name-fail points to Hongo and Shingo of Japan and Wladyslaw of Poland because those are actual legit names but she’s clearly searched for ones that might sound silly to Westerners deliberately. I’d be a lot more charitable about the name fails if she hadn’t piled on the racism throughout Cuckoo.


 

MITCHELL:

lol, fair enough! Yeah, it does sound like she’s deliberately looking for goofy names, but that’s still much better than making up shit like Kquewanda or Bolobolo or whatever.


 

LOTEN:

We’re abandoning name-fail for today’s Quidditch match to cover extensive biology and potion fail. Someone tried the Wronski Feint that Rowling is oh so very proud of, and were apparently a fucking moron and forgot to pull out of their dive, and slammed into the ground at sixty miles an hour.

Rowling.

You live in Britain. You have seen the anti-speeding ad campaign that points out that a child hit by a car at 30mph has an 80% chance of survival whereas a child hit by a car at 40mph has an 80% chance of death. It ran for fucking years. Anyone colliding at 60mph with something solid, bereft of any safety measures like airbags/seatbelts/large expanses of sheet metal and fibreglass/a fucking crash helmet, would die on impact.

Despite this, Healers were on standby, and… administered Skele-Gro.

No.

Skele-Gro regrows inexplicably missing bones. It has never been mentioned that it’s a treatment for existing broken ones. The nose-resetting spell is the only thing we see in canon that seems able to do that. Anyway, apparently this guy has broken most of the bones in his body and

currently believes himself to be a budgerigar called Klaus

which presumably means his head collided with the ground and no seriously he’s dead and rather splattered. But he’s going to make a full recovery. Despite receiving the incorrect treatment for injuries that were fatal anyway. And he’s not even a Gryffindor.


 

MITCHELL:

Oh my god, seriously? Yeah, at that speed he probably would go splat (and even if not, “broken nearly every bone in his body” presumably includes the neck/spinal column/etc, no? If that didn’t kill him he’d probably come out of this a quadriplegic or something). And everything you say about Skele-Gro is spot-on, there is no reason whatsoever to believe it could be used to treat anything other than missing bones based on what canon has provided (though that also raises quite a lot of questions, such as why there is apparently a brand-name product for such a niche use, or for that matter why there are brand-name products at all in such a small community as Rowling’s wizarding world). And of course we have her usual trademark sensitivity toward mental illness and this dead-undead man thinks he’s a budgie, because that’s totally how concussions work even if we ignore the fact his head is probably a mess of pulp. *facepalm*


 

LOTEN:

Ugh, I know, she went from boring with a side of name-fail to total WTF overnight. It’s apparently exhausted her, too, we’re taking a break until the quarter-finals start (though naturally it doesn’t say when that is). Good point about the brand-name recognition too – though if we assume a lot of the stupider-sounding potions are made by a gimmicky company a la Weasley twins, and that most people actually use far more sensible treatments, I feel better about the wizarding world in general 😛 Don’t be silly, that’s not how concussions work, concussions don’t exist in Fantasyland! Thinking you’re a budgie comes about from massive brain damage, which as we’ve already seen from Lockhart’s example is absolutely hilarious…

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8 Comments

Posted by on August 1, 2014 in loten, mitchell

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

8 responses to “Pottermore: Quidditch World Cup, part 3

  1. Number27

    August 2, 2014 at 12:54 am

    Names nitpicking: Snuka is actually a Fijian name, most famously of Jimmy Snuka, a professional wrestler. Also, I have met a person with the last name “Schwinghammer” so people with Discworld Dwarf names are out there, though they don’t ride broomsticks that I know of. None of this excuses the cutsey funny name crap that is absolutely going on here, of course.

    On plowing into the ground at 60mph: I thought there was something about wizards being less susceptible to trauma from falling? Or was that Methods of Rationality, not canon?

    On playing for three days causing everyone to fall over dead: Like you said, Rowling is from the UK. She has to be familiar with cricket games going on for days without whole teams ending up in the hospital.

     
    • Loten

      August 2, 2014 at 7:15 am

      My issue there was Snuka in conjunction with Seeker, not as a name by itself 🙂

      It was MoR that explicitly stated wizards are okay with falling trauma, though canon certainly implies it given how often people get badly hurt and walk away.

       
  2. janach

    August 2, 2014 at 1:35 am

    So when Quirrill hexed Harry in that first Quidditch match, Slytherin automatically forfeited the game, and Harry’s “heroic” action of catching the Snitch in his mouth was entirely superfluous.

     
    • Loten

      August 2, 2014 at 7:16 am

      LOL yes!

      (Though that wouldn’t have worked anyway really; we’re not given exact dimensions but I doubt the Snitch could fit easily in the mouth of a small 11 year old without needing ridiculous accuracy, especially not with its wings…)

       
    • mcbender

      August 2, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      LOL. This is a very good point. Though technically I don’t think it’s ever stated in canon what house Quirrell was in, was it? So I suppose it’s technically ambiguous which team he would have been presumed to be supporting…

       
      • janach

        August 2, 2014 at 3:30 pm

        The rule as quoted doesn’t say anything about the House of the hexer. It’s just assumed that anyone who hexes a player during a game is doing it to benefit the other team, therefore it’s the other team that is punished. Think of those matches in which Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff supported Gryffindor because everyone automatically hates Slytherin.

        That leaves wide open the ploy mentioned above of hexing a player on the team one supports in order to force the other team to forfeit. Of course noble Gryffindors are too honest and straightforward to do something like that (sneer). Really, where do people get the idea that courage automatically involves honesty and straightforwardness? Brave people can be just as devious as anyone else.

         
      • mcbender

        August 2, 2014 at 4:21 pm

        You are, of course, completely right. Let’s blame this oversight on the fact I didn’t sleep last night, shall we? (bloody insomnia…)

         
      • Loten

        August 2, 2014 at 4:41 pm

        Quirrell was in Ravenclaw, according to Pottermore. Because being smart is evil.

         

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